Caz regaining control….

Well it has been a while since I wrote my Blog…. truth is I had quite a low period following the high of receiving my proposal. It may have been delayed reaction after all the emotional activity, or just the lull before the next stage of my journey. I didn’t sink into depression, I was functioning as usual, I just felt kind of empty.  While I continued reading the posts on the forum, I felt I had nothing left to contribute, and my attempt to write the blog, my usual way of dealing with stuff, failed miserably as I faced a blank screen with an empty head.    Maybe I just needed to take a step back in order to regain a sense of proportion and not have money issues as the main focus of my attention for a bit. Whatever it was, it has gone and I so has a lot of time since my last blog and there is so much to tell.

When last I wrote, I had finished signing my IVA proposal and had been given a provisional date for my meeting. Well it was finalised for 12.30 on Monday the 20^th April.  I decided not to take time off and sit waiting, and infact I was so calm I actually forgot about it, until at 2pm I realised I hadn’t heard anything and then I did begin to panic a bit. But as I started to think that I should give them a call, Adam from Cleardebt phoned me.  He told me he had been waiting to make sure there were no late votes, but that the IVA had been approved with 85% of the votes in favour and only one voting against.  He went over the report and modifications required, (none affecting me) and we finalised the first payment details. He told me my copy of the report would be sent out and apart from signing a few forms to confirm I would destroy all cards ( that had been done the night I first called them) and agree to taking no further credit for the duration of the IVA, that the process was complete.  

I can’t begin to tell you the relief I felt when I finished that call.  For weeks I had been sorting paperwork out, making calls, setting up bank accounts and avoiding creditors calls. My whole life seemed to revolve around my pending IVA and while I didn’t fully appreciate it at the time, everything was obviously on hold.  My only concern at that point was that as my wages are still being paid by cheque and my new account takes 5 days to clear it, I was worried that it may not be cleared in time for my first payment on the 30^th April. However, once again Adam was there to reassure me, “don’t worry, just change the date on the standing order, if it isn’t cleared in time and then give me a call to let me know” When I thanked him and said it had been worrying me he replied with the words that made me realise why these guys are worth their weight in gold, “if ever you need to discuss your payments, or if your circumstances change and you need help, just let us know, we will always work something out, we are here to help you, not cause you more stress,” It was at that point I knew I had made the right choice and I would be ok.

So as I begin the start of my IVA, I do so with confidence again, and that is due in no small measure to the team at Cleardebt and the people on the Forum who so willingly take the time to support and encourage everyone who goes there, with a non judgmental and down to earth approach that in itself just makes you feel safe. Well done to all and Thank you.

Well it has been an eventful few days on the IVA front.  On Friday I had a call from Michael at Cleardebt to let me know that all my paperwork was now sorted and the draft proposal drawn up and was ready for posting. He asked that I take the weekend to read it carefully and make sure I understood both the proposal and the legal aspects of it and wrote any questions down I may have or anything that I might need clarifying.  He would phone me on Monday and we would discuss it and if I was satisfied with the proposal and wished to go ahead with it, he would send out the final copy for me to sign.

I was in work when he called, so kind of just thought oh that’s good and went back to pretending I was a line-dance instructor for our pensioners.  ( I’ll Blog that one soon I promise… we all need a laugh    )

It wasn’t till I got home that it really sunk in that things were beginning to move on a stage, and I felt a sense of relief.

I was almost sitting on the doormat next morning, waiting for the postman. By the time the large white envelope dropped through the letterbox I was feeling a mixture of excitement and nausea.  It’s a very odd feeling to be on the brink of something that will change your situation in a positive way, having been on the brink of a very different scenario.  Having picked it up and smiled as I realised it was the only mail I got, I put it on the table and just looked at it. Having patiently waited for it to arrive, I was now scared to open it. I made a cuppa and found some jobs that absolutely needed to be done first.

Aren’t we odd creatures?  I will admit I was a mess when I first realised that I couldn’t manage my mounting debts anymore. But even when I was searching almost aimlessly for solutions, there was a practical side to my actions. I guess I have always been very practical, maybe too much so at times, but it got screwed up a bit over the past few years. Having grabbed the bull by the horns though, I had approached this whole process in a very practical way, and therefore it had a practical solution, I just needed to find it.  It has been that very practical approach that has helped me deal with a lot of it.  I guess I just forgot that emotions are only ever just under the surface.

Having passed the table with the envelope on it for the umpteenth time, I just thought, ‘you stupid woman just open the blasted thing.’  Truth was I was worried about the changes I had made to my expenses. Had they stuck with the first estimate of my disposable income of £200 or had they accepted my revisions making it £189.

As I have said before, like most of us I have not had any spare to pay for everyday living expenses for so long, so that was a nightmare trying to work out what I should allow. But I tried to be realistic and worried that by doing so it may not leave enough to make an acceptable offer.

I then had a mental game of ping pong with my self and my arguments, ‘god it only a difference of £11…. yes but £11 a month for five years,….  but it’s still less that half of what you were paying,….. yes but… no more buts,…..  but I’m trying to be sensible,……  then continue being sensible and open the bloody letter.’ 

When I looked over the pages having finally opened it, I have to admit that I just glanced at most of the formal stuff; it was the numbers I was looking for.  The first one I spotted was 27p/£ though I couldn’t remember what figure was mentioned based on £200 so it meant little to me. I looked over the rest of the pages and found the actual proposal for payment.  To say it took me aback would be an understatement.  I was stunned! £156.55.  I had to look again and check I was reading it right. I went to the expenses form to check there and sure enough is was there too as my disposable income.  The guys at Cleardebt had been as good as their word and had obviously taken on board my concerns and uncertainty over my expenses and translated that into a workable proposal for both my creditors and myself. I can’t tell you the relief or even how overwhelmed I felt.

I spent time over the weekend reading the proposal very carefully and even then I knew I would be accepting it, I could have asked for nothing better.

On Monday as agreed, Michael phoned me and we went over the draft and once he was sure I understood it and all the implications, he asked if I wanted to proceed.  Of course I nearly bit his hand off, oh yes please. 

He promised the formal copy would be with me in the morning for signing and that once it was received back they could circulate my instructions to my creditors and arrange my creditors meeting. As they have to give the creditors time to respond (usually fourteen days) and as we have the Easter bank holidays coming up, he thought my meeting would probably be around the 17^th/18^th of April. I was also to have a final conversation with Cheryl my IP to finalise my instructions and the details of the agreement. That was arranged for the following day.

My formal copy of the proposal arrived this morning and I didn’t hesitate in opening it.  My first reaction was to laugh at the little yellow stickies pointing to each place that my signature was required. I checked it over, signed all the appropriate places, filled in the standing order details and added a photocopy of my passport. Once sealed I took it to the post box and dropped in in.

Cheryl called as arranged and it was, while being formal in its purpose, a very relaxed conversation.  We went over the proposal and both the formal and practical details such as the payments and how the standing order would work. But we also laughed about my criminal feelings when withdrawing my money from my bank and the yellow stickies. 

Cheryl confirmed the expected date for my meeting went over what would happen and assured me that they were confident that all would be fine.

I came off the phone feeling very different from when I started this process, as I suddenly realised while this is a legally binding agreement between my creditors, and myself, Cleardebt had given me the best advice based on my situation and had used their expertise to set it all out for me, at a time and in a way that I was not able to and in doing so, they had enabled me to regain control of it.  By acting on my behalf, on my instructions, even down to payments being by standing order and not DD I now feel I am truly back in control.

…well it is.  Not in a noiseless way, more in a head not buzzing, bills not piling up and no new threats emerging kind of way.     I’m not sure I like the quietness. It is a bit unnerving after the mad and exhausting time I have recently been through.  Maybe we get used to the adrenalin racing through us as we try to juggle so much and stay one-step ahead of our inevitable brick wall. *Shrugs*.  Whatever it is I am not used to such inner stillness…. can’t help feeling it is the calm before the storm. But, as I can’t do much about it I may as well enjoy it I guess….

Roukia is much better today thank goodness, the antibiotics are working and she is as bright as ever.  I spent yesterday afternoon and evening with her and she was already much improved. Today she came visit, (with mum of course ) and I can safely say, as I picked up all the plastic storage boxes off my kitchen floor and all the cotton buds from the bedroom floor when they had gone, that she is back on top form.   If only we could be so resilient and bounce back so quickly.

I posted the signed divorce papers back to the court yesterday and I was feeling ok about it too.  I recalled something my son in law said to me when I was at one of my low points and wondering why I always seemed to end up with the messy end of the stick; ‘ In Lebanon’ he said ‘ we have a saying that roughly translated goes like this, One day the sun will shine, the snow will melt and the sh** will be seen! ‘ It made me laugh at the time, and as I dropped the letter in the post box, it made me smile again.

I have had a couple more letters from creditors, yesterday Capital One sent the next statement and with it notification that the last one had not been paid and that charges would be added. Today AA finance sent a letter regarding my canceled DD and asking for a payment. They either haven’t received my letters yet or they are on auto/ignoring them. It still makes me cringe to receive these letters though, as I haven’t until now missed payments on either of those and so they remain now as reminder of my failure.   It shouldn’t be much longer though before I hear about my IVA, I am expecting a proposal soon.  Still no new debit card either, though I expect it before the weekend.

I have referred to my present position as being in the holding pen, and to some extent that is true. I have done all the thinking and searching to find a solution to enable me to pay back what I owe in a manageable way. Having done that and chosen the way forward, I have gathered all the info required, filled all the forms, checked and double checked everything I need to know and do…and now it is a matter of waiting….  It’s a bit like buying a ticket for a train journey nowadays.  You plan your journey, buy the ticket, you get to the station, and wait… and in the case of trains…. you pray. You pray, that the train will arrive and on time, that with a bit of luck you will get a seat and most importantly… that it will actually take you where you want to go.

Thankfully, I have more trust in my IP than in the rail service.

Well today is here as promised and I have been busy…. cleaning!!!

Yes, I know it is Mother’s day and we are supposed to take a rest, but my girls spoilt me yesterday and so today kind of became a surrogate Saturday.   I usually have a good clean up on Saturdays, do the washing etc. and then once done I can relax for the rest of the weekend.

Doing something physical helps me keep busy, enables me to think and work things out.  I guess I work off the frustrations and get some physical exercise, and I always feel better after wards. The bonus is I have usually put the world to rights too….

Before moving into the flat, I would go into the garden and work out there… the added fresh air was a bonus. But being in a first floor flat I don’t have that option anymore, so I cleaned up instead.  I got a bit carried away… and cupboards got emptied and cleaned, windows washed, and I even thought about cleaning the carpets…nah! That thought didn’t last long.

 

Being Sunday there was no post of course, so no nasty surprises for me there today. I checked my e-mails and there was nothing there either…. except a few Spam mails and my daily horoscope.  Now I am like many people, I say I don’t actually believe in them but I do occasionally read them.  This regular one usually gets deleted unopened, but today I decided to see what it said for me for yesterday.  I read it and laughed. This was my horoscope for yesterday:

Saturday, Mar 21st, 2009 – Setting long-term goals is not usually a problem for you, but now it may be harder to keep your vision for the future in sight today. There are so many different things to do today that it’s too easy to be pulled off course. And once you are moving in a new direction, you could quickly lose sight of the mountaintop. Holding on to your core values will assure the continuity of your journey’s success.

Spooky or what?

Having read that and laughed, I wondered if I should see what it said for Monday, given I would be back in work and already wondering if the ex would be more trouble now he knew the papers were sent.

Dare I look at tomorrows? Lol.. of course I do…because it doesn’t matter, we don’t believe it do we?

Monday, Mar 23rd, 2009 – You really don’t like trying to manage a situation where you are not fully prepared. You don’t want any surprises today, but the new social landscape practically assures that you will be thrown for a loop as someone’s hidden agenda works its way to the surface. Still, the best defense is sometimes an intelligent offense so don’t sit still waiting for something to happen. Be the cause and not the effect.

Shit, I better get my thinking cap out of the now very clean cupboard. !!

My daughter phoned this afternoon… our littlest one, Roukia, has been running a temperature since yesterday.  At 16months old and cutting her back teeth, we of course put it down to that.  She is such a pleasant child, always smiling and into mischief, and even while not being too well she was still smiling. But yesterday she was spending more time being mardy, and not eating. When I called round after shopping with the 2 older ones, she’d had a dose of paracetamol and was a bit livelier. Still there were no obvious symptoms other than the temperature, which at that point was under control.  It had already been decided that if she was no worse but, no better by Monday, a visit to the Dr’s would be best. However, she’d had a bad night last night, her temperature was raging and while a cool wash and open window settled it, she was no better this morning.  So they went to the local NHS drop in center and were immediately taken in to see the Dr. Poor little mite has a burst ear drum.

When my daughter phoned to tell me, she was so upset that she hadn’t spotted it.  But the Dr. had assured her it was not as serious as it seemed, that it was the bodies way of dealing with the build up of pressure and they would expect it to repair itself in a short time, once the infection was cleared. They couldn’t see how big the hole was as the ear drum was still weeping, so she has to go to see our Dr. in a week, when the antibiotics have cleared it and just get it checked.

Glad to say that by this evening when I called her, Roukia was sleeping soundly in bed, no temperature and had eaten a little fish for her tea.

Kind of puts everything back in to perspective, the health and well being of our children, our families and ourselves are far more important than anything else life throws at us.
 

Well today promised to be a good one.

My shopping trip with the girls was planned and we had arranged to meet in the shopping centre and have a bite to eat as a treat and then go fight the mobs for flowers and chocolates.  The girls were excited and had already phoned twice to check what time we would meet. I was busy getting ready and was inwardly grinning at the thought of their faces when I told them Wizzzard’s rabbit joke. They would roll their eyes and no doubt say ‘oh that’s as bad as your jokes nanny’

It was then I heard the postman outside the door and watched the single brown envelope drop to the mat.  As I picked it up I knew it wasn’t my new bankcard, it didn’t appear official in any way and there was no window giving a clue to the contents. It certainly wasn’t a bill, and didn’t appear to be typical of the letters I had so far received from my creditors, so I opened it and pulled out the wad of folded paper. The opening sheet simply said Case no. xxxxxxxx followed by my name and address. As I turned to the next I read the words, Wigan County Court… I didn’t read the rest before I started muttering about someone being quick off the mark and how I’d only just started missing payments… and how I would phone my ip when I got back.

It was only having glanced over the rest of the page that I saw both my name and that of my ex’s, and slowly I began to realise that it wasn’t a court summons for one of my debts.  I read and re-read the first sentence  – A petition for divorce has been presented to this court.  I felt a sick feeling welling up in my stomach and though I continued to turn the pages I wasn’t really reading any of it.  I was numb, though my mind was racing with so many thoughts and emotions it was like watching one of those speeded up videos of cars and lights racing though town.   It was my phone ringing that made me drop the letter and realise the girls where still waiting for me at the town bus station.  As I grabbed my coat and left the flat, my immediate thought was ‘ you bastard….with your impeccable timing you have once again spoiled my day.’

Obviously, it was still whizzing around in my head most of the day, but I managed to put it somewhere at the back once I saw the girls running up to me as they spotted me in the crowds.  We went to McDonalds as their treat and spent the next 3 hours walking around the same shops looking at the same things until we all agreed on what to buy. You have to laugh at the stereotype we presented, 3 females shopping, going in and out of shops for hours and finally buying what we first saw at the first shop.

Satisfied we had got all we needed, we left the shopping centre with parcels in hand and went back to my daughters for a well-earned cuppa.  The girls immediately ran in to hide their mum’s gifts and as they did my daughter looked at me and smiled.  ‘Thanks mum’ she said, and as she turned to put the kettle on she added, ‘you ok?’

‘I’m fine hun’ I said  ‘just tired, it was busy in there today’ I laughed, but it wasn’t a convincing laugh as she turned to face me, with that knowing look that she must obviously get from me, she said, ‘what’s up?’

I have always been proud of my daughter; she has grown in to a fine young woman with a level head and a keen sense of humour.  She has three beautiful young daughters for whom she has struggled at times to support, but is giving then the same sound foundation that I gave her. She knows that even if like her, life may take them down a bad path at times, that foundation will hold strong and see them back on the track again.

We sat with our cuppas and I told her about the letter.

We chatted about it, and how I felt when I got it, and what I was going to do next.  In the end we just hugged and as we did she said, ‘I love you and you don’t deserve this mum, and he didn’t deserve you.’  What can you say?  There is no price to be put on that and it certainly brought me right back to my foundations.

Before I left my girls gave me a huge bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates for Mothers day, arguing that it was today I needed to know how much they cared and not tomorrow. As I have said before, children, no matter what age, are the best life jacket you can have.

By the time I got back to the flat it all seemed a bit surreal.  Seeing the letter still there, where I had left it, made it real again.  I left it there, and got myself some food. I knew I would need to read it properly to see what if anything, he’d had to say, but first I needed to collect my thoughts.

It wasn’t as if I hadn’t been expecting it. He had e-mailed me just before Christmas to say that as we had been separated for over 2 yrs we should finalise it and go for a divorce.  He added that he felt we should go for it on the grounds of irretrievable breakdown. At the time I though, of course you would think that, so much easier than unreasonable behaviour or adultery, after all you wouldn’t want little miss lay worker involved. It was common knowledge by this time that He and She were a couple and he obviously wanted the loose ends tied off.  I was the loose ends. The e-mail ended by him saying that if he didn’t hear from me he would assume I agreed and he’d send the papers in and get it moving.

I was so angry when I read it. I wanted to reply saying, not on your life mate, you can wait the full five years and deal with it.

Not once since I left had he initiated any conversation about us, or made any attempt to try and work things out.  Every action on his part was to cover his tracks and limit the damage to his position.   He had not only thrown our marriage out of the window, but as my line manager, he had made my working life hell, and in doing so threatened my financial security at the time.

I had been so angry and hurt by his whole attitude that I wanted him to hurt as much as I did.  I thought at the time I wanted revenge somehow, but I eventually realised I just wanted people to know the truth. But people only hear what they want to and the whole thing was making me ill, and I finally decided it was not worth it. So, when my daughter and friends kept saying, ‘divorce him on the grounds of adultery’ I was already past the point of bothering.

Getting the e-mail and seeing him taking charge and making decisions about the end of our marriage when he never bothered doing either when it was needed, just made me realise again that this is what he wanted and hadn’t been man enough to say.  It also made me realise that while I was struggling alone, with the decision to leave, he was already seeing her and they were both just waiting for me to go. I went through the whole emotional roller coaster of emotions again. In the end, emotionally drained yet again, I thought, what is the point? What would it achieve? I sent the reply, it simply said, ‘do as you always have, exactly what you want.’

So.. it would seem he did just that, and as it has taken so long for him to do it, (my belief is that as he is about to begin a 3 month sabbatical, he has timed it to keep himself out of the picture)  he has managed yet again to knock me off balance.  I thought I was at a stage where I could handle all the negative emotional stuff, and this morning just scared me I think. It took my right back to all those feelings, and painful memories and it wasn’t where I wanted to go. 

It’s been a long hard journey to where I am now, and the last few months facing the financial consequences have been what I though was the final part of that journey.  Dealing with them and taking back control of my life has been a huge move forward for me.  As I sit here now writing this, I  think that while getting the papers this morning has taken me through the emotional mill again, I actually think it was the initial fear factor that shook me. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I was stunned for a while, but will be able to continue on the journey.

You know I often find myself in my working capacity, offering help, advice and support to people and sometimes it would just need a friendly face or a hug to make the difference. When my emotional crisis happened, while I did get a lot of support at the time, I have wondered since where are the arms that hold me safe now and reassure me that it will all be ok?   Today I discovered them, in my daughter, who has of course always been there, but also in the words and encouragement of the people I have found more recently here on the forums.  Because of their support generally, I have been able to be honest, and find a place where I can lay my vulnerability out and work through it.

Having done so… I can now see that despite my set back today, I think I have detached myself from it all and can now do the sensible and practical thing for my own good.  I will sign the forms, as they stand and put an end to this farce and move on, accepting today’s intrusion as a one step forward and two-steps back point in my emotional journey.

Today did promise to be a good one …. It got derailed a bit, but shifting the crap away, it was still a good day though I forgot to tell the girls’ wizzzard’s joke. ;(

…but no matter, because there is another one tomorrow

 

Having wrote of my low day yesterday, I went to sleep and had a dreamless night.

I woke refreshed and I know it was due in no small part, to writing this Blog.

It makes me realise that my experiences are not really worse than anyone else’s… just different and we all cope with different things, in different ways. Hence the hope that these blogs we all write may be useful to others.  Writing the journey, from wherever we start, is so helpful to both see how far we have come and also to understand and deal with the issues we all face.

Having married a Minister, our whole courtship, marriage and break-up where played out in the public eye (albeit a small section).  I became very adept at painting a smile and masking my real feelings in public.  Writing a blog for me, and for so many who learnt the same skills perhaps for different reasons, is an opportunity to be honest; to open the boxes and face the contents in a safe space. Then by sharing our journeys we can see, that despite the differences, it is the similarities that help us cope and dare I say, form a bond with people we may not know but can trust because of those shared experiences. So thank you for the opportunity to find light in a dark place.

So, waking so refreshed and clear headed, I made my morning cuppa and got ready to face the new day.

The post was early and for once I had nothing, not so much as a leaflet.  Bit of a mixed blessing as I was hoping my new Halifax debit card would come.

I went online before I went to work and paid my rent for the month and the balance of my electric bill.  Paying online meant I could use my solo card that comes with my savings account, as I had placed my pay cheque into there rather than the current account. (it would have been eaten in full by the overdraft.   )

I had my work day planned out and once finished I went to the NatWest to draw the rest of my wages out of my savings account to put them into my new Halifax account.

Now you have to understand, I didn’t go in there with a stocking over my head, or a gun in my pocket. I didn’t hand the cashier a note asking for her to put the contents of her draw into a bag. But, I did feel like a criminal, I was watching the security camera as I slid my card under the glass and asked for the cash from my account and my hands were sweating as she asked me to put it in the card reader and enter my pin.   When she asked me confirm the amount and counted the £20 notes out, I found myself muttering something about paying for a holiday.  She smiled as she put the money in an envelope and handed it to me.  I quickly put the money into my handbag and was just about to rush out when I realised she was speaking to me.  Oh my god! …she knows what I’m doing…she’s going to stop me and make me put it in the other account to pay the overdraft…..‘sorry?’ I said shaking ‘I missed what you said’ she was still smiling, ‘are you going anywhere nice?’  ‘oh yes’ I said feeling relieved, ‘I’m going to Halifax’

I went straight out of the door and across the mall to the Halifax and deposited the money into the new account….

I decided that I deserved a nice coffee and muffin for surviving the ordeal, so went into BB’s, placed my order and sat down to relax before going home.  While I drank my coffee I knew I was almost done with this next stage. Having taken my money out of my bank I could now send the letter informing them of my situation and finally cancel the last DD, which was for my Nat West loan. (hadn’t wanted to do it with the others as I didn’t want to alert them before I was ready to deal with them.)

I can’t believe how silly this all sounds as I write now, but in truth, I felt like I was being unfaithful.

I have had a long and honest relationship with my bank indeed, nearly 14yrs.  In fact, my relationship with the Nat West lasted longer and was more successful (until recent events took over) than my marriage!

Well it was another day…and it was a day of mixed feelings.  But tomorrow is Saturday and I have a shopping trip with my girls to look forward to.

I may even call into the opticians and book a very overdue eye test.  

Well as I said, an odd day today.

It is glorious weather here, everyone’s spirits seem lifted just because of that and on the whole mine were too for most of the day.

Having ended yesterdays Blog saying I would write my letters I did and they were all posted this morning on my way to work.

My ex for some reason wrote the pay cheques out early and we got them today, so I can pay my rent without going further into the overdraft, which was a concern now solved.  It also means that while I had to put my check into my old savings account, I can draw it out tomorrow and put it in the new one.  I moved the last of my DD’s across to the new account and wrote to the water and arranged to have my payments paid monthly by DD rather than the bi-annually as they are now. There were only 2 letters waiting for me when I got home and while both were from creditors neither were threatening.

Everything seems quite calm, and going relatively smoothly…. and yet I feel low today. 

It is almost as if there is an undercurrent, making me feel like I am treading water.  I know some of that will be delayed reaction, and being in the waiting period. But I guess I also know, (but either don’t want to or cant, face it full on at the moment) that while my practical situation is getting back in my control, my emotional one is not and indeed in some ways may never be so.  Maybe it because I am starting to feel more relaxed that my shield has dropped, whatever it is, today has been a memories sneaking up and biting me bum kind of day.

It didn’t get much better when at 6pm we had a power cut.  I was just about to start today’s Blog entry, knowing it would make me feel better to write it all down, when…. Whoosh! I was left facing a black screen and deafened by the sound of hundreds of house alarms going off.  It seems there had been a major incident with the main power cable in our area; expected time of repair was 9.30pm.

Within an hour it was dark and decidedly cold, not the best scenario for a low mood. I crawled under the duvet to get warm and fell asleep.

My sleep was not dreamless and a psychologist would have had a field day with both my dream and my waking thoughts.  I had been in my ex’s house, and as dreams would have it not the one he lives in of course, and found myself rummaging through his rubbish pulling out things of mine I’d left.  Nothing special, just t-shirts, books, bits and pieces, but it was the overall feeling while doing so that left me emotionally drained both as I dreamt and when I woke. It was one of those dreams that are so vivid and that you recall every detail.  I remember as I pulled out the contents of the rubbish bags, my things were covered in burst tea bags and peelings… I was desperately trying to grab them up and push them my handbag before I was caught.  I remember feeling the wave of pain as I realised it wasn’t just my things he had thrown away like so much rubbish to be discarded, it was our relationship, our marriage, indeed it was me.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that as my head took in the though, my vulnerability allowed all the locked boxes in my head to pop open like a room full of jack in the boxes. Before I’d even realised it I was going over it all in my head, remembering the discoveries, confrontations, lies, that just seemed to go around in a never-ending circle for what I now realise was most of our marriage.

My thoughts were thankfully broken by the buzz of the computer returning to life as the power came back on.

I wasn’t sure I would write this entry tonight as I went back to the computer and waited for it to load.  However, I logged in and re-read my whole blog and it lifted me to know how far I have come and to also remember my roots, for it is there that my strength lies.

I have always believed that raising children is more about laying a good strong foundation for them than what you can provide them with.  We can’t know or control what may happen to them as they grow up and start making their own decision, but I firmly believe that if we have provided a good foundation, based on unconditional love and honesty and providing a secure safe place to be, we give them the strength they need to make those decisions and to deal with the up and downs that life throw at us all. But perhaps more importantly, it provides them and us with the knowledge, that with that foundation in place, they have the ability to re-build if the need arises.

My mother provided me with that.

While it took a look back to my roots to remember, I know that while my situation has knocked down the walls of all I though was safe, the foundations are there and re-building is underway.

I had a phone call from my grand-daughter this evening, asking me if I would be able to take her and her sisters out to buy their mother her Mother’s day present.

Nothing unusual in that really, except it shows they are growing up, and thinking of it themselves. Usually I have to remind them.

However, it made me sad to realise that I had forgotten it with all the stuff that’s been on my mind. I am of course also wondering if I have enough left to cover it. Still over a week to payday and not a lot left in any pot, except the overdraft and I wasn’t going to use anymore of that, although I still need to pay the rent for this week and next so I have no choice but to use some.

It’s odd, but I never made a fuss of mother’s day for myself, or indeed any occasion including my Birthday.

I always did for my mother when she was alive of course, and so when my daughter wanted to make a fuss for me I guess I had to allow her that choice because I knew it was important for her.

As the girls came along, I always made sure they had a card for their mother, and as they got older they bought her presents. To make it special I would always take them shopping so that they were able to decide for themselves what to get.

And so, I have arranged to take them to our local shopping centre on Saturday.

I know I have my small change box and it hasn’t been counted for some time. I usually leave that and count it and change it just before a holiday to give the girls some extra spending money. I also still have a couple of New Look vouchers from Christmas left in the back of my purse, though I was saving them for my daughter’s birthday which is the beginning of April, given that money will be tightly budgeted.  Might still do that, as the spare change is usually about £20 and we can get some nice flowers for that and maybe some chocolate.

My daughter is like me, doesn’t have a problem not receiving, but I know she is also like me is appreciating how important it is for the girls.

I am so proud of my girls, and so lucky too. I don’t intend to loose track of the importance of these small things for them, even though life may be managed differently now, we all need to have these special times with/for our families. Guess that means another Pot being set up.

On another note, my post delivery was a bit bigger this evening when I got home. 

Still got the phone unplugged, but no matter what I try to bribe the postman with, he still posts the mail though my letterbox. 

Had a letter and a statement from one of my Credit cards, one I didn’t pay this month. The letter was reminding me of my failure to pay the March bill and the other was the next bill…from £181 last month (which included charges) the payment required this month is £485, which includes last unpaid payment, and the charges and interest as well as an overlimit fee, which is of course due to the fees and interest.

The others included a notice from two of the accounts that I have cancelled DD’s on, just informing me that they have been canceled. (in case I didn’t know?)

More worrying was the letter from the council reminding me I was late with this weeks rent. Though that is an auto letter they send and the rent for both last week and this coming week will be paid at the week-end. (Albeit out of the overdraft. )

There was also a rather large, bulky and ominous one, which I saved till last to open. Having wondered who was sending me it, and what horrors it may contain, I opened it and found it was a catalogue from DHS offering me the chance to save up to £400 and a buy now pay later offer on their new range of settees !!!

 

Overall… not a bad day.  I think I am now going to go and write letters to all my creditors updating them on the situation. It may make no difference to their mailings, but I will feel better as I deal with the last bit of head burying.

Well another decent nights sleep and another positive start to the day.

I had a call from Michael at ClearDebt  this morning… just an update really, to say they had received my forms back and they had now been passed over to be validated.

Apparently the validation dept. is very busy at the moment and he didn’t want me to worry if I didn’t hear very soon. 

I can’t believe the way things have turned around since last week. Oh, I know it’s not all sorted yet, but I just feel even more positive that I am doing the right thing. I am so, so glad I have been given the opportunity to get a grip again and start getting things back in order.

I know a lot of people find it difficult to discuss it all with family and friends, and I fully understand that, but once I had pulled myself together and started the process, the ever practical me stepped up to the plate and in that mode I don’t do hiding stuff too well.

In truth, it’s easier to just tell it as it is, because my mouth has a habit of running off before my brain is in gear.

That said, it is only my immediate family I have told, as I don’t see anyone else needing to know and I have to say both my brother and daughter have supported my decision.  I knew they would, once they knew of my plight of course.

I think it surprised them both though, as since my mother died over 20yrs ago, I became the Family Matriarch by default…. and therefore the strong one, the one who sorted everything out, who was phased by nothing…. Oh My!!

My positive thought for today is; that it will probably do them good to finally realise that I can mess up too.

 

When I was discussing all this with my brother, just after I made my initial enquiry, he was telling me of a lodger he had who went into an IVA.

Apparently he had a very expensive car on HP and was finding the payments difficult when his work situation changed.  He went to his bank and got a personal loan to pay the car off in full. Some time later, when his hours had not been made up and he found he was still struggling but now with the loan payments, he tried to apply for an IVA. Of course he was told that as he only had one debt, albeit a large one, he didn’t qualify.  From what I was told he was quite determined to have an IVA because according to the adverts he had seen it would wipe a large part of the loan out. He then proceeded, over the next few months, to use his credit cards to run up other debts in order to qualify for the IVA. Having then accumulated more than one debt, he applied to what I can only assume was one of the ‘factory IVA companys ‘ for what I can also only assume, he thought of as his IVA.   Whether he got it or not is not my point here, but his attitude to it all really.  The whole story made me mad.

Of course I explained to my brother why I was looking into this, that I didn’t see it as a quick get out and that I had research it well and saw it as a way to take charge of my finances again.

I have been made to think of that story twice again in the last 24hrs.

The first time was last night while I was watching the video of the Debt Debate- from May last year…. fascinating stuff…. and I understood most of it too…. so maybe the few economic lectures I managed to stay awake for, paid off.

While it discussed both IVA’s and Bankruptcy from both the creditors and the debtors’ perspective, it was when it touched on IVA advertising and how IVA’s have been presented in some sectors, particularly in the early days, which made me recall the story again. Thinking again of how that guy had seen it as a way to relinquish his responsibility and get away without paying, I started thinking that if a lot of people have that attitude and use it like that, then it certainly makes the playing field muddy for people who want to use it as a tool to manage their responsibilities in an honest way when they face personal difficulties.

No wonder when IVA’s are know about the first question people often ask is, ‘how much did you get away with?’  They really have no idea do they?  I thought of the people I had seen posting on the forums and the stories I had read on the Blogs here, full of anguish and pain, but never a lack of responsibility and I was mad again!

As I made the first of my now daily visits to the forums, it wasn’t long before I came across something else that brought the tale to my mind again.  It was someone who had posted replies in several threads, which were very negative to say the least.

His whole attitude came across as the same as that guy in the story…except he was posting advice in the topics of vulnerable people, who are seeking advice/support and encouragement.

Now I really was mad!

It is one thing to have that attitude it is quite another to suggest it as the better course of action to people who are already in a very scary place and need to be helped into a better position and enabled in order that they can make their own decisions.

Oh hell!  Not being polite here, this is my blog…  the poster was a total moron!

At least I could respond to this, and so I did, and I got great satisfaction from pressing the ‘post reply button’ 

 

Feeling so much more like me again….. hope it lasts.   

Well it certainly feels like it. Sun is shining, everything looks bright and flowers are finally showing their heads above ground.  It’s that new start promise that spring always brings with it.

Bit like me really… I feel brighter, and my head is certainly being held a bit higher at the moment… spring in my case being the chance of a new start via the IVA.

Work today was fine, no major problems to deal with and all the routine stuff went as planned.  My ex came in towards the end of my day and as he didn’t stay long it caused no issues for me.

Its odd but I guess not surprising, the way the whole dynamics of our team have changed since our split up.   The team is small, only three salaried staff – myself as project manager, my colleague as Centre manager and my ex, who is of course the Minister and the team leader.

Used to be that we had regular team meetings, to keep us all up to date with general things plus annual supervisions.  Not anymore, the team seems to operate now on the basis of the other two sorting the day-to-day centre stuff whenever they meet and no one caring much what I am doing. The outcome of course is that I often do not know what is happening, except by second hand info learnt usually by chance conversations.

I used care and make a fuss about it, but somehow it always seemed to backfire on me so, I have learnt to pull the barriers up and just get on with my job. Not always as easy as it may seem as so much of the work here overlaps.

The lack of annual supervisions is of course a minor blessing for me, any one to one meeting with my ex is always fraught and for that reason I wont rock that particular boat.

The management structure is of course more complex than that. It is a church and a community centre so a bored of Trustees and the Church Council has overall responsibility and are my actual employer but, in practice, they leave it to the minister. Hence the tensions that now exist between us are mirrored in the team dynamics. Such is the nature of church bodies that sometimes they fail to foresee, or address the possible difficulties that can inevitably occur in our situation.

And so the centre continues to provide the services to our clients that it always has, with the same care and attention as it always did. Rather like the swan, calm and graceful on the surface but feet taking the stress and going fifty to the dozen beneath it to maintain the image.

But, the sun is still shining and the only post I got at home today was a mail shot for house insurance and my notification letter from the Halifax to say my debit card would be sent within the next 8 days.

So it should all be ready for when I get my next pay cheque.

So far I have only received a letter from AA finance telling me my DD had been refused by the bank, and a couple from Mint and Monument informing me that I was late with my payment.  I have no idea how many phone calls have been made though, as I unplugged the phone the day I made enquiries about my IVA. While I have said I am facing my responsibilities again, this is one instance when ignorance is bliss.

Well, it was a good feeling to just walk. 

I usually go for a long walk when I am worried or stressed, but you know what? …. I don’t think I am at the moment.

If you have read all of my Blog you will know that I consider my present situation a total mess. That being said, the only thing to do with a mess is to sort it out and organise it.

Acknowledging I had a problem that I couldn’t deal with was the first step.

Finding and taking the right advice was the next.

Facing the real extent of the problem and owning it was the next

Having the support and encouragement of others via the forum was the icing on the cake.

I am feeling so much more in control now and ready to deal with what I can only call, the clean up operation.

Once the hard bit was done and I had sought the advice of an IP (having looked at the comparisons I decided to approach ClearDebt) I decided to progress with an IVA enquiry.

I was so relieved that, the initial phone call was so relaxed and supportive.  In fact it took me by surprise as I was a gibbering mess and the calm voice on the other end of the phone kind of wrong footed me.  By the end of the conversation though I was feeling strangely calmer than I had been for some time. I knew of course that there was a lot more to do and it wasn’t an instant solution, but it was a good feeling to know that the first step had been made.

I began sorting out all the paperwork once I came off the phone, it was so good to feel I was doing something towards sorting it all out instead of just sitting worrying, so by the time the forms arrived for me to fill in I would have everything ready.  That was on the 9^th March, the same night I gathered all my credit cards together and cut them all up. I also went online and applied for a Halifax easycash account. That was hard to do as I had been with my main bank for 13yrs and up until now always had a good relationship with them. However, as the NatWest will be one of the creditors included in the IVA I need to move my wages to another.

Thursday March 12^th the IVA forms arrived, can’t believe how excited I was to see them, given what they are and the reasons for having them, it seems a strange emotion to have, but excited I was.  I took a cursory look at them when I first got in, but then after tea I sat and read every word on every bit of paper in the pack. (more than once.).  I gathered my file of paperwork prepared a few nights before and began entering the info needed and ticking the boxes as I checked I had each bit required.  I then put it all in the envelope and almost at once, preceded to take it all out again to double check it was all done correctly and nothing was missing. I put it back in the envelope; sure it was all there and left it on the kitchen counter while I made a cuppa.

Melanie’s’ words kept running through my head:

‘If £189 is your surplus – then don’t try and make it £200 – you will struggle.’

I took it all out again and looked over the expenses again …it seemed fair, but it was £200.  I checked with the list I had made based on CCCS guidelines which worked out £189 surplus and saw a few minor things different. Having ummed and ahhh’d with myself a bit; I decided this was too big a decision to make to get it wrong at this stage, as I would have to live with it for 5yrs. I made the additions and added a copy of how mine had worked out.  The main difference was expenses for Optician. I decided to ask for the £10 for that to be separate, as I have not had my eyes tested for over three years and my glasses last time cost me nearly £300.  I know that my IP will look at it and base his suggestions on what is fair for all concerned, so felt it was not unreasonable to be honest about the extra bits.

Once satisfied I could do no more, I put it all back in the envelope and sealed it ready for posting he next day.

Friday 13^th March – God I hope that isn’t a bad omen.    I posted my IVA application on my way to work. The sense of relief as I dropped it into the post box was immense.  I spent the day in work inwardly smiling at a real step forward being made.  I guess the smile must have become visible at times because I was asked more than once what was making me so happy. (the general census of opinion was that I’d had sex before work!!)

When I arrived home that night I found in the post a letter from the Halifax confirming my new account details. Maybe this hadn’t been such an unlucky day for me after all.

My week-end so far has been a fairly relaxed one and that is so good to say.

I am aware that it is just the start of sorting all this out and there will be ups and downs along the way, but it still feels good to be in charge (in a sensible way this time) of my affairs again.

……and what’s more, the sun is still shining
 
 

Yep, it is a sunny day and not just outside.

Now that I have written my journey so far I feel I have gone a long way to understanding where I am now.

I can’t say it was easy…visiting the past can be so traumatic.

I went back to places I never wanted to go again and was made to think of things I had locked away, not wanting to recall.

It has also been a great relief too.

It is so easy to forget who you are when you are faced with the overwhelming pressures that this situation causes. The sheer worry and stress can make your perception of both your situation and yourself, become distorted. It kind of sneaks up on you and before you know it you are drowning in all sorts of emotions.

Writing it all down has helped me to see the real picture.

I also helped me to find the real me again.

I saw that despite the mess I find myself in and the emotional jelly that has for so long been me, I am still here to tell the tale. I may have been knocked off balance and as a result allowed my thinking and judgment to become clouded.

But, with a bit of a dusting and more than a bit of tax free chocolate I now know I am on the way back to my fighting weight again.

…..and now I’m going to take a walk in the outside sunshine, not to think, nor to try to work out payments, budgets, or anything thing else….  just to walk and enjoy the sun while it lasts. 

I had promised myself I wasn’t going to cry anymore. But, as I sat facing my situation, for the first time and finally owning it the tears would not stop.

Eventually they did of course and  if it doesn’t seem smug or flippant, I actually felt the first bit of the old me coming back.

The old me needed to be in control of her actions, needed to be practical and as it happens that was just what was needed.. finally 

I must have stayed up all night trawling the Internet for information, advice, something to get me moving.  It all seemed so depressing, and my mood was slipping into despair.

Debt Management Plans… Individual Voluntary Arrangement…. Bankruptcy …what the hell did they all mean?

I just wanted to sleep but my mind wouldn’t stop working and by now I was so worried as to how I would manage the rest of the month.

I decided to use the CCCS site to see what the Debt calculator suggested for my situation.  I started to fill in the details and the first few sections were simple enough.

Then the page came up asking me to list my creditors and amounts owed. At first I thought, no problem, all my bills were next to me either having been paid or still on the pile for paying. I entered the numbers.

No I thought, that cant be right, I cant owe that much to them, and I started checking the statements in details, it was right…so I moved to the next one…by the end of that section I was a mess again.

How on earth had I not seen the trouble I was in?  How on earth had I got into this much debt?

Having left the form on the screen, I paced the floor and then sat on floor and cried…again.

I’m not making myself any more promises.

I closed the computer down and fell into bed, too tired and worn out to think, but too confused and worried to sleep.

The total amount of my debt was whirling around in my head  £21000 on only my estimates!

It’s a shock to realise how a bit here and a bit there adds up. My guess is many people only ever have a rough overview of their debts as long as they are being paid, I know I did,.  Its only when you finally realise you can only manage the minimum payments and see the interest adding up that you begin to panic and then all sense and reason flies out of the window. Your ability to make any rational sense of the situation is clouded by the enormity of it and so, as many before me have said, the ‘ it’s ok ill just pay this and then use it to pay that’ mentality kicks in.

If we could just apply the skill needed to manage all these tricks in a more constructive activity we would not be in this situation, but would be successful entrepreneurs I’m sure.

It is amazing how you rationalize and justify your decisions too when faced with ‘owning’ the results of you mismanagement; careless spending or whatever else it was that resulted in being in debt. Indeed, a Philadelphia lawyer would have been proud to have me as a partner!

Then, when you cant even manage the minimum payments or your basic living requirements, sheer fear takes over.

In hindsight, you wouldn’t have even allow this person sharp objects, given their rationality let alone the ability to make financial decisions.

The next day I woke with a headache and feeling like I’d been run over by a steamroller.  All day in work I carried on as normal but my head was totally preoccupied with the debts and how I could sort it all.  Once home, I started searching again, going over and over the same sites, info, and still not knowing where to turn.

I guess I was still too ashamed of myself, scared to contact anyone, because that would make it even more a reality.  But I was going around and around in circles, something had to be done, I knew that.

I decided to finish filling the form for CCCS and once done I submitted it for a report. Its instant and as I read the first part I was shocked….

‘ Your outgoings exceed you income and you may have a serious debt problem- based on this we recommend bankruptcy ’ 

Oh my god!!!  I shut the computer down immediately, as if it would shut the truth out too.  Once over the initial shock I regained my composure and went back …. I read all the info on they gave about bankruptcy and thought, there must be something else.  It was only scrolling down to see the copy of my online form to print off that I saw the next part.

‘You may also want consider a DMP please click the link to apply for a DMP pack.’

Oh for goodness sake!  Why was that the second option and not mentioned together with the first at the beginning of the report?

Once I was over my annoyance and then deciding I had no right to be picky… I decided I had no option but to apply….it would mean paying for a lot longer and that wasn’t ideal, but as a knee-jerk reaction and to sort at least a temporary measure out…I applied.

The initial relief at finding something was good. I now realise it was not done in the best way, and I needed better advice, but at the time it provided me with a breathing space to collect my thoughts and seek out a better solution.

It was already March and while the bills, with the exception of 2 had been paid, the next lot would be due at the end of the month.  I had decided that if all else failed I would take the DMP when the paperwork came through…. but I was still searching for a better solution. It was while googling for debt advice that I came up with info about IVA’s and amongst the results was IVA.co.uk. forums.

Now I love forums, I have always found when you need info that they are often the best place to look. Whatever the problem there is usually a forum to cover it, and I was very confused about IVA’s … so this seemed the right place to go.  

I spend days and long nights reading almost every post there. While I think I was looking for a similar situation to mine and to see the advice and /or the solution offered, what I actually found was a safe, non-judgemental haven of advice and support.  People who were or who had been in debt crisis of one sort or another, all just trying to get their lives back on target, and whether asking questions or offering advice it was all done with a level of support and encouragement that made me personally realise I could at last ask the questions and get the some answers.

There were even some IP’s regularly there offering advice. ‘wow’  I thought, ‘… so that what one of those are ‘

And so I registered for the forums and made my first post.   As it turns out, it was the best thing I could have done. I was given advice and support and as odd as it may seem, really felt at home.  Overall my gut feelings were confirmed, the DMP was not really the best thing for me. IVA’s where explained in very easy terms on the site, both the pro’s and the con’s, so I fully understood how they worked, so when it was advised to seek an IP’s advice as this may be a better way forward for me, I knew it was good sound solid advice and not another sales pitch.

So…. to finally answer the question, ‘where am I now?’

£24000 in debt over 5-6 cards and 2 loans, and starting the process for an IVA

Having sought the advice I needed and considered all my options I feel I have a solution that will work for both the people I owe money to and myself.

Equally as important, I feel I am back in control and gaining my life back.

I can’t begin to tell you, what a relief it is to have reach this place.  It is not so much having the burden taken off your shoulders, as having a place and people to share it with. 

It is still my responsibility and I fully accept that, but now I am owning it and that is strangely liberating.

Personal debt is a universal leveler; the amount of the debt and to some extent, the reasons for it are somewhat immaterial in its effect. Everyone’s story is different, but there will be things here that touch on other people’s experiences too. The situation, events and results may be different, but the feelings, pain and frustrations will be something that unfortunately many can empathise with.

And thats me…… my journey to where I am now, hopefully at the beginning of a new and positive  journey.

Emotionally drained, and exhausted from the life changes and physical exertion of Leaving my marraige and setting up a new place to live, (never called it a home for a reason, its always known as the flat.) left me very careless to say the least.

Home setting up is expensive and I left with nothing but my personal possession, didn’t even have a can opener, but despite the large credit card bills and loans gathered during my marriage, my savings were fairly healthy at the time and I was able to pay my way.

Things were not so bad…. and I didn’t even notice the effects on a month-by-month basis of the drop in household income.

For the first month I was kept busy and distracted getting the flat sorted. However, I was still a total mess emotionally and not taking particularly good care of my self.  Eating was a chore, I felt permanently sick from crying and my weight dropped dramatically. None of this was helped by the fact that more revelations came to light once I left. I still had to work with my ex too, he is my line manager and seeing him everyday, acting as though nothing had happened, indeed as if we were strangers, was almost unbearable.:(

 

I decided what I needed was damned good holiday and so the first of 2 holidays with my girls were planned and paid for taking the last of my savings, along with it the last of my back up and security.

Once the first year was over I stated regaining my composure a bit. I can’t say I was over it all, or in control, but I wasn’t the totally crumbling mess I had been.  I started merely coasting through the months that followed and in truth much of the first eighteen months after leaving, went in a blur.  I didn’t want to know what was happening because if I didn’t know it couldn’t hurt me.

As I started to re-build my life and get back the old Carole I began to be hit with the reality bat.!

The expense of moving much further from work, the bills and of course rent council tax etc (which I hadn’t had to pay for over 7 yrs) soon caught up with me and things started to get quite tight. I was still managing and although my savings had disappeared the overdraft had not been used at that point… then  somewhere along the line, almost without me noticing, I found I  was paying my bills and credit cards on time, but then using my cards and over draft to pay for other basics. It soon got to the point that my wages were paid in and cleared the overdraft  and of course I was then living in it again till the next payday.

The one day AA finance rang for there annual chat and at the time I thought it was good timing, I realise now it was the worst timing…. they suggested adding to the loan (which was almost paid off) and extending the loan period to enable me to pay off some of the other things. I agreed of course, it seemed to make sense at the time and even though I used most of the cash to pay decent amounts off the my rising debts, it was a sticking plaster and not a cure, it wasn’t long before I was back to the same point but owing more. 

And not much longer after that when I reached the point of not being able to meet the minimum payments.

At some point there must have been a change for me…we don’t always see the actual corner it is that we turn that makes the difference, maybe it was just ‘time and the space’ or maybe anger took over from the pain, I don’t know… but, emotionally I was feeling stronger and although I can still feel the pain when I remember it all, I don’t wake up and go to sleep feeling it anymore.

Financially, I remember the turning point very well, a few weeks ago in fact.

I had received a credit card bill and as I had been late paying it last month there were the usual charges and a late payment fee. They wanted £181 and I just didn’t have it. I  had already done the rob Peter to pay Paul thing to pay my rent and half of my electric bill. To top that my filling had fallen out and a trip to the dentist cost me nearly £50 and taken the last of my fall back fund.  There just wasn’t anything left!

Something had to be done …but what?   …and that was my light bulb moment.

A case of  deja vu  took me right back to the beginning and sitting in the dark….and I cried.

Good question…. and one I am still trying to answer.

Writing this Blog has made me trace back over events and think about their effect on my present situation.  It was never intended to be a life story but, somethings in my past have needed to be re-visited in order for me to understand the bigger picture and draw strength from it.

I have touched on my marriage break-up, but in truth that was somewhere I didn’t want to re-visit.  Not sure I do now, but I promised myself to be as honest as I could be in order to trace the journey to where I am now and why.  Having already touched on it made me realise that in any ways my emotional and financial journey have been so intertwined they are almost inseparable. I was just not able to see that at the time. Isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing?.

Having been single for a long time, it was nice to have someone to share things with. Being in love is wonderful, it is like Red Bull, it gives you wings.

I got used to not being in control of the money side of things, in fact it was quite a relief to have someone else deal with it all.  As my husbands budget was already in place for the bills etc we decided that it should just stay as it was, my income then becoming the day-to-day, shopping and extras fund.  Between us we were able to clear any outstanding bits and pieces of debt we had from before our marriage and at first we both benefited from the boost of joint incomes.

The shared custody arrangement he and his ex had was informal and flexible, and it wasn’t long before we had 3 young men and an obnoxious teenage girl living with us almost full time. It meant a lot of adjustments for me personally; having lived alone for so long it was a challenge to suddenly be thrown a large family to live with. Financially it was a strain too, his ex got the family allowance and any extras and our budged it seems was just meant to stretch.  Tensions grew and I started to feel more and more like the lodger, and despite trying to discuss the issues and resolve the problems that the situation threw at us, I was left feeling I was being unreasonable.

His Profession was time demanding of course and time for us was at a premium. With the children almost living with us full time by this point, I found I was spending more time with them than either my husband or his ex ever did, made complicated by the fact that I am not sure they even wanted me there.  I became resentful too I guess that there was never any ‘us’ time and if we did manage to get an evening to ourselves, it would only take one phone call to spoil it.   I couldn’t really be resentful of that though, he was a minister and people’s needs are his job and there is no timetable when despair hits someone and they need the minister.

I loved my husband very much, but all these factors were slowly chewing away at our marriage and our relationship was in serious trouble. I’m not sure looking back now if he saw it like that, he has a habit of dealing with everything in boxes.  His work in one, children in another, me in another…..there never seemed to be an overall picture for him….

Over the years I spent a small fortune booking holidays / weekends away etc. it was the only time I could be assured that we had time alone away from it all. Though on a tram into Palma one time, he took a call from one of the undertakers about a funeral.

But, overall these trips gave us a break and I though they would be the saving grace we needed, so they continued. They weren’t of course, back home we went back to the same stuff and I grew more and more disillusioned.

Over the years it all just festered in the background, raising its head occasionally and making me see that it was never going to change.  I also made the painful connection that while he could often not make time for us, he was in fact making time to be with someone else. The details of these affairs, are irrelevant in many ways now, or at least as painful as they were, didn’t even come close to touching the pain of realising the facts of his affairs.

While I struggled to make it all work, put up with things that no one should have to put up with, sat in a house that would never be my home, with his children who would never accept me, he was with someone else.

The knowledge that he had re-planned the time and space to be there, something he couldn’t do for us.

The fact that he lied.

To say I was an emotional mess would be an understatement.

My decision to leave was not an easy one despite what I have said, I still loved my husband and I think I hoped it would make him see sense and realise something had to be done. In retrospect I realise it was probably what he wanted, but was not honest enough to say.
Indeed he planned an expensive boating holiday with his children for the time I was leaving.  

So it was I began yet another journey, moving into my council flat with my emotion mess and of course,unbeknown to me at that time, the foundation of my financial crisis.

 

 

Well a new day and new challenges…I could of course have said a new day and more problems, as both might be true, but I have decided that as I feel at this point that I am starting on the path to regaining control, I should at least start the day and each blog entry with a positive attitude.  To that end I can positively say…… I am in a right mess.  Up to my eyes in debt I can no longer service, emotionally still delicate, (proved to me by the first post that left me with painful thoughts) and realising I am back in a familiar place waiting for letters and calls to begin.  Yes, I have been here before, though not in the same way or for the same reasons.

As I said earlier, I brought my daughter up on my own and while there are a lot of positives to that situation, the financial burden is immense.  Creditors letters and calls, (if the phone was still on of course) bailiff threats and CCJ’s are not new to me, but not though careless management, credit cards or over spending…. but simply because there was never enough coming in to cover even the basics most of the time. Several years on income support and then more years than I care to remember in poorly paid jobs that left me in that awful gap that takes you just above the limit for assistance like housing benefit, prescriptions etc.  I did get free schools meals and a uniform grant (they were still available then) for which I was grateful. I was expert at robbing Peter to pay Paul, though sometimes even they deserted me.

My turning point at that time came when I was sitting alone feeling so isolated and ashamed that no matter what I did I couldn’t even provide the basics we needed.  I’d had gas and electric pre-payment meters fitter some time before to avoid being cut off…and here I was sitting in the dark without a penny to my name (the emergency allowance had been used the day before).  Something had to be done, but what?  It was probably then I decided to get the qualifications that I would need to show those prospective employers too blind to see what an asset I would be to them if they employed me without them.

I began my academic education via the Open University and having completed the first year foundation course and enjoyed it so much decided to apply to the local university for a full time degree course. As a mature student, and having the OU foundation course under my belt (straight A’s too) I was accepted.

So for the next 3 years I studied hard while holding down a part-time job and juggling my maternal responsibilities. I wont say it was plain sailing it wasn’t, fanatically I was slightly better off, in as much as my grant came quarterly in time for the bills so they got paid, and being a student, I got my first bank account.  It was also the first time I had owned a cheque book and of course an overdraft.  Banks love students; they hold the possibility of well-educated and therefore well-paid account holders.  They will fall over themselves to offer loans, credit cards etc. Fortunately, I didn’t take the loans and Credit cards, but the over draught was seriously used towards the end of each quarter. My final year saw the introduction of student loans too, thought at that point they were not instead of a grant but as a supplement, for those who qualified.  I applied for one as I was not entitled to any benefits during the summer holidays and my job didn’t provide enough to see me through. On that basis I was awarded a little over £600.  Always annoys me that a title or piece of paper of some sort will afford you the opportunities that so many are denied.  As a 35 yrs old Student I was given a means to manage my basic living needs, but as a hard working single mother, who managed to hold down a job and successfully raise a sensible, well adjusted daughter, I was not even afforded a decent wage and could find myself sitting in the dark with no where to turn.

That said, I enjoyed my time as a student, though my plan to become a social worker changed when the whole system changed and became more about budgets and management that hands on care.  So as my finals approached I found myself looking more at the voluntary sector to find my niche.  I had worked as a victim support worker on a voluntary basis and done work for my dissertation at a local hospice and I grew more involved and drawn to agencies that provided help advice and practical assistance to people in dire straights. I discovered I guess that I work well with people, and can empathise with the feelings if not always the situations.  So I entered my finals with a feeling for what I wanted to do, but no real idea of what that would be.

I hate exams!!

Exams can be hell for many, but as a mature student it seems they are not our forte.  It was a statistic that was used in the OU course that showed that younger students do better in exams than in course work, while mature students do better in course work. (Won’t bore you with the details you are suffering enough with my ramblings)

My degree course was marked on a  60% 40% split, the 60% being exam results.

I had sailed through the course work and often got A’s for assignments, so while my lesser performance in my exams, (posh way of saying my rubbish performance) dragged the overall results down I still managed to get a 2:2.  Not sure now why I was so disappointed with the result, but I was.  Silly too because I didn’t want to have to get the stupid degree and from the day I got it in the post I have never even had to show it to anyone, and to be honest, I am not even sure where it is now.

Having now got the blasted degree the time was upon me to take it out into the world  and get that super duper, over paid job that would make all the difference to our situation.  Of course it didn’t work out quite like that, I soon became aware that even with the shiny new piece of paper that at pre uni  interviews I was told I was lacking… ….I still failed to get the jobs.   Apparently, while I had been searching out the golden ticket ..the voluntary sector had changed.  Funding for many of the areas I was seeking to enter had become a battle field and small charities and organisations were competing for 3-5 yrs funding almost against each other. They were all seeking ways of cutting back to provide the best package  for funders and the first cut for many was admin staff.  So applying for post now meant showing you could undertake your own admin, and to do that you needed to show that you had the skills, and yes…it meant yet another piece of paper!!!!!!!   Computer literacy was needed and the ability to manage you own work load and meet targets…produce reports and newsletters and ..and…and…..

Didn’t they realise that I no longer had the Student status and the relatively secure financial status that afforded…I needed a job for goodness sake.

By this time I was staring to feel like a circus poodle…jumping through hoops….each one promising the treat but requiring yet another hoop before you got it.  Fortunately I hadn’t told my Neanderthal boss that I was leaving and continuesd to work in the pharmacy part time while I signed myself up to a 12month computer course. I got it and fortunately it was government funded .  Guess what else I got?  I got a new Title  I was now a post graduate!!  While I was busy trying to sort out how all this would work and how we would manage for another 12mths, (Overdraft to pay off and bills to pay etc) I was told when I visited the bank to sort something out that as a  post graduate  I could just turn my overdraft into a loan!

Now apart from the odd £10 from mum and the occasional provident voucher, I had never had a loan before. It scared me a bit, but they assured me it was common and as a  post graduate  I would be able to easily pay it once I had my super duper solve it all job. As I didn’t have much choice, the alternative being they would pursue the £700 via the courts if I didn’t pay it, I took the loan at an agreed reduced rate for a 12mth period.  However, I think they were optimistically thinking that would be in a few months…. And after asking me to pay more and  and my inability to pay more, (though I had not defaulted) they passed it over to there collections department as a lost cause.  They payments continued as agreed and it was from my point of view simply paying the same amount to a different place.

Once the computer course was completed and I had my amongst my new found skills, advanced word processing and spreadsheets together with the ability to create a relational data base system,(don’t ask. )  I was once again in the interview market. This time, surely there could be no more hoops.

After a few months and several interviews I applied for a got the job I have now.

It was originally a 5 year contract with conditional funding for a further 2 yrs via the church Urban Fund, for a community development worker. The original post holder left after 2 yrs and it was re-advertised having been re-worked and approved by the funders and became the volunteer project co-ordinators post that I hold now. I have been in post for over 13yrs and love my job and the people I meet and have the privilege to work with, help or to support.

I was able to open a new bank account and slowly build up my financial credibility again, slowly paying off the bills I had and getting back my self worth and a sense of purpose and achievement.

There was a funny though personally cruel twist in the tail though.

Because of the situation and the need to re-work the job and adjust the funding requirement they dropped the need for a degree in order to cut the salary.    Ah! ….but they also needed me to do my own admin, so at least the 12mths computer training was worth it…….

Well it would have been had they actually owned a computer!!! Doh!

Bit about me I guess….My real name is Carole, 54, but only ‘cos my birth certificate says so…I started counting backwards at 50 so 45 this year yeahhhh!.

Scouser by birth and no matter where I live scouser is running through me like a stick of sea-side rock.

Good job too ‘cos our humour is needed and has seen me through a lot of bad stuff and hopefully will continue to do so. So please don’t take offence, or think I am not taking things seriously if I sometimes joke or make a sarcastic remark in difficult situations…it is a survival mechanism.

Lived most of my life as a single parent, and my beautiful daughter is also my best friend. Together with her 3 daughters, 14mths, 10ys, and 13yrs, (henceforth known as my girls) we are a family.

I work for a church based community centre as the project co-ordinator. I manage our team of 15/16 volunteers as well as the three main activities, a fair  trade coffee bar, a charity shop and an over 60’s lunch club. Sounds grand, in reality I am as likely to be found with my hand down a toilet trying to clear it or helping out someone from the local women’s refuge with clothes from the shop as I am suited up in a meeting trying to get the best SLA for the lunch club. Been there over 13yrs now, and love it.

It was there I met my husband, he came to be the new Minister there and it wasn’t long before we got together. Chalk and cheese to say the least, but some how it work well for us and  3yrs later we married, much to everyone’s delight. I gave up my independence and my home of 30yrs to move to a new life in the vicarage. (There is story on its own in that one )

I knew it wouldn’t be an easy journey, he had 4 children and an ex that was awkward to say the least., and joining 2 families is never an easy ride, but I really thought with our commitment it would work.  But, long story short , there followed 7yrs of deceit, lies and step children who treated me like the paid staff (if only..haha) one of whom, stole from me emptying my account, put things in my food and had a violent temper. My only reason not to blow and /or leave was my love for my husband and a belief in his love for me.

But when I discovered that he was being unfaithful, and had been on more than one occasion I could take no more. Having cried myself to sleep for far too long, I finally made the decision to leave and almost three yrs ago I moved into this flat, and the long emotional, and what turned out to also be the financial uphill struggle began.